Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

I read "Friendfluence" because I understand how important friends are, and I wanted to see what the author had to say.Her book is a broad sweep, through definitions, types of friendships, friendships during development, along with anthropological and sociological studies.For me, friendship derives from breaking down the word into its parts—“free ends.” The author goes into this aspect of friendship.On certain relevant occasions, my mom would say: “With friends like that, who needs enemies.” This type of friendship is discussed in the book, as well as the difficulties in ending a long-term close relationships.With the two chapters on development: childhood and adolescence, I had a problem that makes me question the value of the rest of the book. Like with a lot of pop-psych books, I searched to identify my own experience with the different types discussed in these chapters. Alas, I could not find my type there.As a retired chemist, I have been trained in the methods of science and somewhat in statistical analysis. This is my question—how much validity can be achieved in these types of “soft science” studies?” With one study, at least, the author does mention selection bias of participants. Perhaps this is more common than alluded to? I don’t think it is possible to do double blind controlled studies as in the hard sciences. I will honestly say that I did not look into original sources to see what methods were used to obtain conclusions on human nature relative to friendships.During my life, I have exploring lifestyles living in several types of communities, including intentional ones. Along the way, I discovered that I needed the mirroring of community members to know who I was. In one community, the mirror proved to be extremely dirty. This cautioned me as to how deep I had gone down this path, and I have come a long way since then with self-discovery and independence.To this end, I note a strong omission in the book. It is that I am my own best friend. The importance of this fact, and how to cultivate it, could be the topic of another book in itself.Here is a description of this in a yet to be published book, "The Art of Talking to Yourself: Self Awareness Meets the Inner Connection," by Vironika Tugaleva:"You can become a better friend to yourself—a best friend, even. Intimate friendship is irreplaceable. There will always be someone funnier, sexier, stronger, richer. But no one can take the place of our memories, our jokes, our secrets whispered in the night. No matter where we go, having a best friend to laugh and cry with makes all the difference. You’re already stuck with yourself for a lifetime. Why not improve this relationship?"

Who would have thought there was so much research done on the development and impact of friendship? While many of the studies sited in the book confirm what most people already suspect, it is nice to know that when you express concern about the peers your teenager is hanging around with, there is some research to support your concerns.For me, the most interesting part of the book was the discussion or childhood and adolescent friendships. The studies cited point to this period in our lives as being the critical junction between success and failure as an adult, with respect to career, family, and happiness.This is definitely an easy read. Well organized and with enough anecdotes in between the cited studies to keep it interesting, many will finish it in a couple of sittings. Since it talks about something that everyone has (and is probably interested in), it is a wonderful book to share and discuss with friends. The book makes clear that most women are more inclined to discuss friendship than are men and so perhaps in discussing with other men, it is best to begin with a review of the studies and how they apply to other people you might know.In the next edition, I’d like to see some research on how and why critical, life changing events impact friendship. We have all heard of soldiers who fought together and became lifelong friends and how a stranger became a friend when rescuing someone from a fire or other calamity.The discussion of friendship should also explore its role in terrorist organizations. To what extent is friendship a driver for bringing new recruits into terrorist organizations and maintaining their loyalty? Certainly there is enough historical data (various despotic dictators and their inner circles) to be able to shed some light on this.Again, a wonderful book. Read it and you’ll appreciate your friends even more.

In lucid, compelling language, Carlin Flora offers a gently radical new way to think not just of our friends but of ourselves. In a world full of self-help books that dissect romantic relationships and nuclear families, we tend to overlook the people who may influence more than anyone else: our peers.From earliest childhood on, friends and playmates teach us empathy and the basic social skills needed to interact with others. The lessons we learn (or fail to learn) may have more of an impact on our future lives than what test scores we get or where we go to college. Flora also explores the way peer pressure is real--and not always bad. Did you know that kids from troubled, unstable families do fine in school--if their friends come from stable homes? Peers who exert a positive influence overpower the effect of a bad home situation. But if kids have friends who also tend to come from unstable homes, grades suffer and risk of dropping out, drug abuse, etc. increase? It doesn't end there. Throughout life, people whose friends are happier--people who set reasonable but ambitious goals and then take steps to meet them--will be happier themselves, while those whose friends are negative and self-defeating will absorb some of those tendencies, even when they think they aren't. If your friends gain weight, you are likely to. If your friends lose weight, you are likely to. Friendships are also great test cases for dealing with interpersonal conflict, so those with more healthy friendships will tend to have healthier romantic relationships. Moreover, Flora shows us that couples who have more couple friends are happier than those who don't.All in all, this is a very engaging, hard-to-put down book that develops a very powerful idea. It will change the way you think of your life--and might make you both happier, and more empathetic and engaged with others.