Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts Paperback – Illustrated, March 7, 2017

As founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, Dan Shapiro brings to bare a practical approach to conflict resolution in this master piece. One that is based on a wide array of experiences at all levels of society, from his personal life to the community level (NYPD) and from the State to international level (Israeli-Palestinian). After watching the Marrakesh incident on BBC’s The World Debate in an episode titled “Are the Right People Talking?” in which he served as challenger between the Israeli and Palestinian business and political leaders, I am fascinated by his deep experiences with emotionally charged conflicts. Something that he explores with practical examples, suited for students, professionals, spouses, teachers, diplomats… etc.The simplicity with which Prof. Dan handles a complex subject of “me versus you, us versus them” mindset, one that is typical in emotionally charged conflicts, is truly appealing to me as student. He uses the concept of the “Tribes Effect” (mindset that pits your identity against that of the other side) to illustrate how easily it is for people to be drawn into conflicts, be it siblings, spouses, business professionals, diplomats and even experts in conflict resolution. This is exemplified in the Davos experiment in which we see the world explode out of frustration.Professor Dan focuses on “five lures of the tribal mind”, crucial factors that parties to conflicts and even negotiators often ignore or mismanage. If there is one thing that I recommend to all those interested in resolving conflicts that transcend unity, it is for them to read through these five factors – vertigo, Repetition compulsion, Taboos, Assault on the sacred and Identity politics. This book not only tells us how these factors escalate conflicts but also provide practical steps on how to navigate and overcome them.

In everyday live we all face situations where conflicts can arise. And many times we see ourselves already trapped in a difficult situation where we didn’t even want to go when it started. In my work as negotiating specialist in the Netherlands, I see people then start to push harder and harder on the content and the other side, to convince themselves and the other that they are right and should be heard. And off course the other side of the table will then do exactly the same. Why, because we all want to be heard and recognized for how we perceive, feel and look at the situation. The conflict will be fed, and the longer it will take, the harder it will become to find an attractive solution.Daniel Shapiro did an excellent job in writing this book. It is both theoretical and practical and therefore will help you, in private life, business and politics. It shows ways to get out of the conflict when we got stuck. It will help you finding out what steps to take, how to manage the process in advance and therefore prepare yourself to stay out of conflicts in the future. The last part will ask some time off (self) reflection. What are my beliefs, rituals, values and emotions? How do they form my identity? And how do they interact with the outside world? In my opinion this is an important way to go instead of tips and tricks that in the end are not part of our authenticity and therefore most of time not very sustainable.And don’t we all want conflicts to be solved in a sustainable way?

Todos ven la negociación como una aproximación racional de llegar a un acuerdo que maximice el valor para ambas partes, pero que pasa cuando negociamos algo difícil de cuantificar o toca lo más profundo del ser de la contraparte. Este libro nos da las herramientas para estas situaciones y como abordarlas para tener el mejor resultado posible.

This work used minimum use of the hackneyed word "ego", which made it unique. It did an excllenet job in explaining that a preceicved threat to identity spawns most conflicts. It even provided good advice in reconciling conflicts, such as finding a common set of values amongst the opposing parties. However, in my opinion, it fails to warn readers do the perils which may potentially arise in cultivating those mutual values. For example, say you find you have something in common with your aggressors. You run the risk of speaking too much about your own views on that rather than inquiring into the perspectives of the other party. This lack of sensitivity may tentatively exacerbate the conflict, and I feel the book did not address that. Consequently, to ge the most of want this book has to offer, it may benefit the reader to concurrently read other books on creating an emotional bond.

Put simply, you won't find another book on negotiation like this (and that's a good thing). As far as I know, this is the first book on negotiation that takes a real, robust and honest look at the role of identity in conflict (and its resolution), which has been sorely needed for a long time. In some ways, it therefore goes one step further than his last book "Beyond Reason" (which I also highly recommend).The author lays out a very compelling case to show why the "non-negotiable" feels that way, which in itself is worth the price of the book, and then gives clear advice for dealing with it. The section on "the five lures of the tribal mind", for example, is brilliant! It explains what's really going on when we feel compelled to engage in a confit that we realize hurts us every time (e.g.- ongoing marital bickering and disputes). Even if you just read that section, the book is worth it many times over.In other words, this book sheds light on everything from intractable international conflicts (Israel-Palestine, Northern Ireland etc.) to everyday disagreements by exploring how our identity fuels conflict and how it can be used to resolve it too. Two thumbs up.