Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

I read this a few years ago and found Real's approach to be one of the most informing on not just how to handle but also the why the issues cyclically happen. You cannot effectively apply the how to solutions without understanding fully why it is happening and what each partner contributes to make the unhealthy patterns continue. Gottman is often lauded in this field, as he should be, but I feel Real sheds light on power imbalances in a way that Gottman does not review as well as it may be needed for certain couples. Even if you do not think there is an imbalance in your relationship but you are having troubles with fighting, not talking or fighting, whatever... it will stem from an imbalance in the relationship. Real lays this out in a simple, easy manner and helps you identify what role you or your significant other may be playing that adds to your disfunction, and best of all, how to end it. I don't mean this is the panacea to all that ails your relationships, but it sure gets as close as you can be. The rest is up to you to apply what you learn. :) This here is a great start!

This book is full of decades of wisdom about how to build stronger marriages, but it also applies to many other types of relationships. Moving away from “you and me” consciousness toward “we” consciousness requires inner work, outward humility, and reconciliation with people and the earth. This book is a paradigm shifter for me in so many ways. It has helped my marriage but it has also clarified how I think about the rest of my life. I’m very glad that my spouse and I read it!

I particularly appreciate Terry’s direct handling of grandiosity within couples therapy. it is not a topic typically addressed and Terry’s personal experience lends true credibility to an approach that is workable with this population.

As other positive reviewers have noted, this is a welcome addition for therapists and for individuals and couples looking to improve their relationships.Real "gets real" by, as he calls it, "taking sides" as a therapist in his couples counseling practice. Unlike almost all professional therapist approaches about the therapist being a "neutral" party in couples therapy, Real makes no bones about taking sides and stopping the nonsense and blaming that goes on between partners. While it's often the man who is directly confronted in Real's examples, he's certainly not above taking on the negative behaviors of women in the relationship.This is a good, easy, profound read that will benefit couples and therapists.

There are so many great things about this book, from the fascinating real-life couples stories, to the tools Terry Real outlines to help you navigate conflict, and his overarching philosophy about how we are all connected, humans to each other, and humans to the planet. We are an ecosystem.The most helpful part of this book, for me, was how Real exposes "Toxic Individuality" and how pervasive it is in our culture. I have been both a victim and a player in the cult of individuality that inspires us to seek our truth, find our purpose, stand up for ourselves and assert our rights. What Terry helped me to see is, while that's great and all, what about the other half of the equation---the other person? And the rest of the world? What about US?To paraphrase a quote from Esther Perel, self-awareness is critical to having healthy relationships, but the opposite of self-awareness is empathy. They are two sides of the same coin, and the equation becomes imbalanced, even toxic, when we are either overly self-absorbed, or overly focused on others to the detriment of our wellness.Terry Real beautifully illustrates how important it is to always remember the "Us" in a relationship if you want it to be healthy and strong. This goes for not just romantic relationships, but for friendships, work and family relationships, etc. Whenever I'm operating---or defending---from a me vs. you mindset, I suffer and you suffer. Nothing good will come from that. The world suffers from toxic disconnection that stems from us vs. them. It's never just about me, and it's never just about you. It's always about us, the connection to each other and to our world.Highly, highly recommend this book.

Saving my relationships

This book helped me to envision a framework for looking at overt and covert trauma and how those events created my inner child. As a result, I am able to see how I respond to trauma and model behaviors. This book, in addition to his other book (I Don't Want to Talk About It), has helped me to better communicate with my spouse. Whether we stay together or not, I am confident in the tools I have learned to navigate through the relationship phases of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair. I wish I had found Terrance 6-10 years earlier.

Easy to read. Filled with anecdotes that are relatable. Really helps you see patterns in relationships that get in the way. Highly recommend.

I learned a lot from this book. The most important aspect was what my childhood and my parenting style came from my experiences growing up. I am working towards being a more complete human and this book matched my spiritual with intellectual learning.

I would recommend everyone in a romantic relationship to read this book, to go on and become us from me.

Such a one sided view, like everyone must suffer and sacrifice to make a relationship work. So much abuse taken in the examples, these people should leave !! This gives the wrong message to force yourself through abusive relationships- often to the detriment of the woman !!! Patriarchy at its best even in this book.

That says it all. This book for is a huge eye opener on individualism versus connection, Me versus We and how our conditioning, mindset, upbringing and societal norms push and pull us into an "individualistic pattern". Even though I'd consider myself very, much part of a couple, relationship, friendships and family, I see and do this through a very individualistic lens - which is holding me back from the true and real connection I crave and am constantly trying to find. "It's one thing to 'know' we are part of a living whole , it's another to really truly feel it". This book is about understanding the wiley ways of our adaptive child and how stepping into our wise adult self, is what it is to be "We", to belong not just fit in, to be radically honest not brutally honest. The benefits of individualism and independence slowly felt like the biggest urban myth..... Some books just make the penny drop. Us did it for me... And there's is so much in the book about understanding your partner, friend, person, but understanding yourself first is the priority.

Terry Real's book 'Us' is for people aiming to start a fulfilling relationship and people who are in committed relationship.The author takes a close look at patriarchy and its effect on 'us' and how we relate to each other.He also looks at the impact of our family-of-origin and its 'stories' on how we 'do' relationship.The book is easy to read, is a good and engaging read, and radiates with compassion and empathy.Years of precious experience, both as a husband and couples' therapist have gone into its pages, which makes each chapter feel authentic and relatable.I have listened to the audiobook twice, and then read the book, taking notes.Friends have told me that it has been a life-saver for their relationship.I couldn't recommend 'Us' enough!