Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships by Johnson, Dr Sue (February 3, 2011) Paperback Paperback

Amazing model for relationships. My husband and I argued for years, then he left me. We did counseling but it didn’t work. I’ve read literally hundreds of books and articles, looking for ways to understand and sort problems in relationships. Nothing felt like it really made sense, and the counseling didn’t work.Now I know why. I just wish I’d discovered this book sooner. My husband and I had the same negative dynamics outlined in this book. The great insight it presents is to understand how those dynamics are driven by a primal need to feel loved and restore an intimate connection with a loved one. With one person pushing desperately for connection but in a way that comes across as critical and angry, and the other becoming fearful and hopeless and withdrawing. And no connection is made, so the cycle gets worse and worse. It’s not about bad behavior in the part of one or other person. It’s about connecting at an emotional level to understand each other and restore the attachment bond.All the books and articles I read talked about behaviors and dynamics, but not the underlying drivers and needs. I recognized Gottman’s 4 Horseman model, but the remedies are about changing behavior and not establishing connection. The counselor told me I should be independent and self-sufficient, aim for practical objectives on a tick list, and put my feelings to the side as they were getting in the way of practical goals. Which was the opposite of what I wanted. In contrast, EFT aims to reestablish the emotional bonding connection, which automatically fixes painful behavior dynamics driven by loss of connection, and gives a secure bond from which practical issues can be resolved. I wish I’d know about it, things might be so different.

Dr Sue Johnson is part of a movement in self-help books that are based on sound science and evidence. You could spend ages trawling through the plethora of self-help or start with a scientifically verified approach. Dr Johnson gives you that.Dr Johnson starts with the science of love and intimacy, referring to evidence that people who are in loving relationships have lower stress hormones and more resilient immune responses and are less at risk of high blood pressure, heart attacks and strokes. She writes, " Contact with a loving partner literally acts as a buffer against shock, stress and pain. The people we love...are the hidden regulators of our bodily processes and our emotional lives" (pg 25). Lovingly secure relationships are vital to our health. At the heart of our well-being is an adult attachment need for loving connections akin to a child's attachment need. Our attachment need is fundamental to our psycho-physiological nature; we are social creatures.Dr Johnson focuses on first helping you to evaluate and become aware of the dances or patterns that maintain hurt between couples. She then supports your becoming curious and compassionate about your "raw spots" or "emotionally vulnerable" parts. Our vulnerable raw spots are the flashpoints that trigger irrational rows and deadening distance in our relationships. Getting to know our own and our partner's raw spots is the starting point for building a strong relationship. In awareness and compassion for our own and our partner's vulnerability, lies the building blocks of our strength.Dr Johnson leads you through various chapters on building love and closeness in various facets of your relationships, both emotional and sexual. She presents the process of learning about each other and growing together as a series of conversations suggesting that change can be ordinary and do-able, like a conversation, if you give it time.For some couples there may be an additional complication to overcome, namely the consequences of trauma. Dr Johnson dedicates a chapter to this, to help couples consider the additional challenges that healing from trauma brings.This book will offer vital sound advise and knowledge, but the trouble with all self-help is how to apply it to yourself and your relationships. Whilst Dr Johnson's readable and touching style goes a long way, for some this may be easier than others. What Dr Johnson highlights in this work however, is that healing and thriving happens through relationships. If you are struggling to apply the ideas in the book, it may be worth considering the caring support and professional guidance that a professional relationship with a trained therapist/psychologist can offer to you and/or your partner.

This is an excellent book, based on the ideas of adult attachment in relationships. It s a very accessible book if you re looking for ways of being more connected in your relationship and to explore ways of breaking unhelpful patterns.

Simply the most insightful and helpful book I have ever read on the subject of relationships. It is beautifully written, and as a man I'm not ashamed to admit that I was moved to tears on several occasions as I read through the case studies related by the author, and how she helped these couples to restore a safe emotional connection by working through her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy programme. As I read through the Seven Transforming Conversations it became so painfully clear to me how my former partner and I had got so dreadfully caught up in the downward spiral of the 'demon dialogues' and how we kept rubbing each other's 'raw spots'. Sadly, by the time I started reading this book, my former partner and I had already ended the relationship - it had become so volatile over a 2 year period, complicated for several reasons, resulting in several break-ups. In the end we had just inflicted too much emotional hurt on each other. If only we'd been aware of this book before breaking up, I'm absolutely convinced it would have enabled us to understand how we had become so disconnected, to heal our emotional wounds and ultimately save our relationship. But at least, having now read the book, I have learned some incredibly powerful lessons, and am so much more switched on about how to connect safely with a partner. I really can't recommend this book strongly enough - I feel like I've been to Relationship University and graduated with flying colours! And of course, I'm very confident my next partner will approve of what I have learned!